Nickerlas

I first met Seamus Kelly in the Student Union bar at Oxford University in England. He was Australian, from somewhere I’d never heard of called Paramatta, and was doing a post-graduate course in Elizabethan Drama. The name is Irish betraying his distant ancestry and pronounced Shamus, but you needn’t remember that as we instantly christened him Ned. He was a tall, tanned and flamboyant character whereas I was only middle height, thin, pale and wiry, but our preoccupations with girls and booze were very much in accord. My Traffic Engineering Masters was for the same two-year period and we ended up sharing an attic flat for our final year. ...

‘Hello?’ ‘Hi Nick, its Tony. How are things?’ ‘Broke, fucked, otherwise OK. And yourself? Haven’t seen you in ages.’ ‘Much the same. Look, I’ve got a problem. Do you still have that old van?’ ‘Sure. Its crap but it works. You want to borrow it?’ ‘Hire it. And you, if that’s OK. I’ve got a rather valuable piece of furniture to deliver to an address in London and I need someone reliable to get it there.’ ...

Power Over Men by Nickerlas Jackie’s Surprise by Boundfellow I first wrote this story almost a decade ago and it acquired something of a cult following in S&M circles for a while, particularly among women. I even heard that a back-street workshop in Manchester was making saddle-stools! Power Over Men by Nickerlas 1 Marble Holiday clothes for a fortnight, typewriter, paper, sketchbook, walking boots, half the contents of the local Library – it all went into the back of the Traveller along with the jack, spare tyre, toolkit and starting handle. I closed the rear doors with a cheerful air of achievement. The old car started reliably first go, so I jammed on a pair of sunglasses, chucked my leather jacket into the back seat and let in the clutch. The car is important to this story, so I’d better describe it. I once saw a clip of Dame Edna Everidge walking round Stratford-upon-Avon admiring the half-timbered buildings, when a Morris Traveller pulled out of a side street. “Oh look, there’s a half-timbered car!” she chirruped. It was one of those, the ash-framed van version of the post-war Morris 1000. Mine was originally built in 1967 so was already an old lady when I bought her. Owners call them moggy or woody but I called mine Bertha and loved her dearly. ...

Walking the Plank by Nickerlas Walking the Plank by Nickerlas I couldn’t see much through the open zipper in the front of the leather mask, and I couldn’t push the branches out of my way as my wrists were firmly tied behind my back. Chum was guiding me along the forest path with a strong grip on my arm, all the while filming our progress on his digital. Apart from sandals and the mask I was stark naked. ...

A Lot of Bull I was staying with friends, in the guest wing of their house in the country, and since this was England there was a main trunk road not far away.I couldn’t sleep that night for the continuous distant noise of the traffic and my hand had strayed down between my legs in search of alternative entertainment.Suddenly I got an idea of the kind that instantly produces a rock-hard erection! ...

You can always tell a fantasy story, everything happens far too pat. This one is totally true, and a little unusual. Picture a main trunk road in rural England, single carriageway but fast, surrounded by hedges, trees and fields. There’s a wide grass verge each side of the road. I have found an ideal place where the road sweeps round in a long slow bend; on the outside of the bend and set back about ten feet from the road is a smooth round telegraph pole, carrying phone or power lines. There is a 5-bar wooden gate into a field nearby. ...

Night Drive How do you get these ideas? European convention holds that the seat of the emotions is the heart, while the Romans, with rather more justification, believed it was the stomach. In my case I think a slightly lower part of the anatomy is responsible. This particular idea arrived one afternoon when I was sitting in the sun feeling a bit randy, like you do, and looking at my car in the drive. Five-door estate with two good stout wing mirrors, firm anchors for rear fender, central bracket for towing. Could you tie someone over that nice flat roof face up with their ankles fixed to the mirrors? And, came a surge of inspiration from between the legs, you could drive around like that! ...

Offa’s Dyke In the late eighth century, King Offa of Mercia ordered a boundary to be made between his kingdom, which was most of Southern England and the Midlands, and the lands held by the tribesmen of Wales.It was an earth bank some 20 ft high fronted by a wide ditch almost as deep, and ran most of the way between the Dee estuary near Chester and the Severn estuary near Chepstow.Although never regularly garrisoned it firmly defined Wales, and the border still largely holds. ...

“Stand to attention, Worm!” I clicked off the portable recorder and grinned. This would fix the bastard! He wanted pain? He wanted humiliation? He wanted inescapable restraint? He was damned well going to get them, and in spades! I touched the ‘record’ button again. “You will reply to all my instructions with the words ‘I obey, Master’.” I paused to give him time to say it. “Now take off all your clothes, Worm. Fold them neatly and seal them in the plastic bag on the chair. When you’ve done that stand to attention again until you hear the bleeps.” I let the tape run on for a minute for the poor sod to undress, then set the cooker timer for a further five. It would give him time to get his mind into the proper state of humble servility. He is nothing, just an inert instrument waiting for me to mould into a masterpiece, a symphony of sensual experience. Complete with crashing chords and long, slow passages. ...